Smell the Roses!

I go to work every day thinking that my home life is normal. But is it really? Yea, I have this hot ass wife who holds out sexual favors for whatever reason.  It is hard, because she is so sexy! But I respect that she has bowel issues almost daily due to some undiagnosed medical condition that she suffers from. And no I am not talking about a little abdominal pain, or bloating. This lady has full on gas ass. She toots more than a tug boat. Just the other day I saw our cat start tearing up while sitting next to her. I can only assume it was due to the noxious gas she had just released. Fortunately for me, I grew up in a household where ripping a good fart was considered not only acceptable, but as some kind of badge of honor. And if you could do it silently & manage to catch the entire room off guard, then you were “The Man!” So when The Mrs. gets all embarrassed and says, “you might not want to come over here,” I usually just remind her that she couldn’t offend me with her butt trumpet if she tried. And although she has caused some household plants to die, the foul odor she emanates falls far short of what I put up with from my father. He was known to cause entire rooms of wallpaper to peel do to the concentrated poison he frequently released into our humble home! I keep telling her that it is actually a little sexy that she blasts her butt cannon. It gives her a certain level of normalcy to offset the Angelic, if not God like, opinion I have of her. Did I mention how incredible this woman is? For too long I forgot how much I enjoy her company & how she drives me crazy when she...... I digress! Back to my opening statement, why can’t I have a normal home life? You know 2 kids who listen, 2 cats who never come near me!, And a wife who fills a room with the sweet smell of Dior, not Doody…. I still love her in spite of her dilemma, I just need to sneak a “Stickup” on her ass….