I have been blessed, or cursed depending on what day you ask me, to live in one of the sunniest states in North America. I will admit moving here I was more hopeful of a beachside lifestyle free of worries and turmoil... But that is a story for another post. Today I want to talk about the God Damn rain. Yes, that is right, it is raining in buckets in this supposedly "always sunny" state. Granted hurricane season is here and the locals will tell you this is the rain season, but I say "horseshit." I still do not have to like it. Especially when it seems that the downpours always pick up during my drive to and from work and any time I need to step outside the building throughout the day. Today for instance I left my house with but a hint of rain on my windshield. Before I was 5 minutes into my 45 minute drive I had thirty foot visibility and rain coming at me from what seemed like the side of the road. I never had a problem driving in the rain in my life, until I moved to Florida. I am not sure if the school curriculum here includes a course on driving like a dumbass, but it would not surprise me by what I see on the roads. Even the slightest amount of rain comes down and you will see cars piling up along side the roads like crushed beer cans on the ground at a OSU frat party. I would venture that at 15 years old I was a better driver than the best Florida born driver ever hopes to be. And turn signals, forget about it. The only way you know one of these dipshits is changing lanes is by seeing the front end of their car cutting into your lane. This usually occurs at the most inopportune moment when there is a blind curve coming or merging traffic from an on ramp. Yes, the moron that I have come to know as the Florida driver becomes a raging fucking retard when there is rain on the road. Their 80 point IQ automatically drops 20 points at the first sign of precipitation. Northern snow covered roads would eat these shitheads for breakfast. So once I do manage to reach work thru the maze of asshats along the way, the Gods feel the need to crack open the sky again and dump assloads of water on my head as I make the 300 yard trek from the parking lot to the entrance of the building I call "work." Now I walk into the building with wet socks, soaking shirt and pants that feel like my depends exploded. I hate wet pants! My balls get all itchy and I scoot around on my chair like a dog with an itchy ass sliding around on the carpet. If I am fortunate enough to only be soaked up to my knees, due to the river of water rushing through the parking lot, I still get to look forward to several hours of smelly feett and rock hard nipples. Oh, did I forget to mention that year round my cubicle is like 60 fucking degrees. Yea, no pay raise in the last 3 years, but they can keep the entire building colder than shit. I could dial the damn phones with my nipples. Which if you saw some of my coworkers, that isn't such a bad thing. But for me, it just makes for a miserable day. By the time I manage to dry out it's lunch time & I get wet all over again as I make the journey back out to the car. No, this is not what I signed up for when I packed the family up and made the 1000 mile move from Ohio to balmy Florida. So until we have another sunny day with humidity soaring near 90%, this Sunshine State can kiss my ASS!
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